6 months and counting.

today's my half birthday and i'm having some anxiety about it.  not sadness.  nothing pitiful.  just a little bit of i'm-not-thirty-yet-am-i? anxiety.

in six months, i'll be 30. 

pin.

i don't know why other people get so paranoid about turning 30... because the entire decade of your 20s is full of transition and decisions and more lessons learned than first-try successes.  it's a ten year case of the fidgets.

dismay and lament over a milestone birthday is an easy bandwagon to jump on... but i'm going to come out and say it without a coat of sugar:

you don't know 30-year-old anxiety until you're a 29.5-year-old single mormon female.

when you pair down all the frivolity and glamour of single living - like spending money without consulting another party or international travel on a whim or whatever else you guys think is so exciting about my life - what's left is a working woman... who has to fend for herself... in ways i didn't expect {including, but not limited to: a dripping sink, insect fumigation, financial counseling, lawn care, and cleaning the garage}... for an indefinite length of time... when, really, i'd rather be putting into practice all the things my stay-at-home mom spend her life preparing me for.

simply put - this is not where i thought i'd be at 29.5

i get that i've got a few good things going for me... i've made the most of my circumstances, they say. i've got a job i love, a well decorated home, a circle of people i don't deserve, financial freedom, and a larger arsenal of cardigans and nail polish than my married friends ever dreamed of.  but!  i'm married to my job, i'm a slave to my mortgage, my people go home to their people at the end of the day {and ranking 2nd - or 3rd - place permanently gets old}, and the cardigans and nail polish are nothing more than things to fill my boredom.  they're so unnecessary. 

i've prepared my most commonly received conversations + rebuttals to spare you myself from the the-grass-isn't-always-greener-on-the-ther-side comments that are already brewing in your head... there's nothnig you're thinking that i haven't already heard.... and i'm not in denial of any of it....i knowwwww:

1.  "you've done it right all along!" - says the father of 5 who hasn't flown on an airplane since his mission in 1995, after i mentioned both the dread of mowing my lawn and the memories of a vacation in mexico in the same lunch hour.   thank you, sir, but you just got done telling me about the vacation of a lifetime when you cashed in your hotel points and took your kids to disneyland for the first time and all that happiness.  that's how it's supposed to go.... jetsetting is not normal.  you win.

2.  "you're so much more equipped to be a wife and mom than i am." - says the friend with a husband, child, and one on the way. thanks? but you're there and i'm here... and you've found someone to share a bed with and a child who loves on you every minute... so... you win. 

3.  "you're only 29?  you'll be married in six months!" - says my new church leader, "you've got plenty of time!" thank you, stranger man, but you obviously don't know me, or my track record, very well.  even my boss agrees with me.  you don't know me.  you win.

4. "hurry up, will you?  your little baby making eggs are dying!" - says my mother.  i have nothing to say about this.... other than: no one wins.

and my favorite:

5.  "let me give you a little hint... when you're married, you'll have to {fill in the blank}..." and then they fill in the blank with teeny, tiny things that are sooo obviously personal idiosyncrasies i've gained through years of living by myself and only ever doing things "my way"... which is the right way by the way... as if the advice has been offered for my own good - to prepare me for this impending shared lifesyle.  simple things - like sharing my food before finishing my plate or being just a little more flexible with my schedule than i'm used to.

so there.  i'm almost 30 and that's how i feel about it.  while some of my friends are cranking away at their lives with four children {all under 30, as planned}, it doesn't always go as planned for the rest of us.   i think it's safe to say my single friends share a little bit of this sentiment, too - even if it's hidden secretly somewhere deep inside.  the fun and thrill of my day-to-day is alive and well..... it's just.... the rest of you are doing the same fun and thrill every day. you're just re-capping it at night with your husbands as you lay together in bed.... while i talk about it the next morning in carpool. 

30:  count with me.