who what where when why wednesday.

q:

what is your dream harpo hook-up?

a:

it starts with will.i.am paying my mortgage.

this question is so hard for me.

i've been thinking all week.

and watch - tomorrow, the best idea will strike me.

that's always how it happens.

i'm imagining rachel zoe scooping me up for a getaway to fashion week in milan.

{and i get to take home whatever i want. and then she pays my mortgage.}

or

oprah gifts me and all my peeps hermes bags

{loaded with cash, because in oprah land, that's the only appropriate way to gift a bag. enough to pay my mortgage.} 

or

two weeks on the mediterranean with all of my favorite friends

{because what's better than being able to vaca with all my bffs? and my mom. and when i get home, there's a note on my door from oprah that says she paid my mortgage.}

or

how about just a card that gets me anything i want from anthropologie for the rest of my life?

{especially the found furniture pieces... to fill my house, that oprah paid for.}

seriously, i have no idea.

how about just breathing the same air as oprah?

i realize there are oprah haters and oprah lovers. i happen to be an oprah lover. i'm also told she's my doppleganger. thank you?

no one... NO ONE... pulls things off the way she does. and she has no motive other than to make people jump up and down with happiness.

like the time she surprised the gay kid with stevie wonder behind the curtain?

or the time she faked a parking garage on the set so the road tripping ladies drove straight onto the studio floor in the middle of taping?
who thinks of this stuff?!

season 25 is underway. and somehow... SOMEHOW... i've got to get on that set. there's a story to be told, a letter to be written, to get me to chicago. something about how instrumental i was in bringing a former felon back into the good graces of society via supplying the women of this world with all their hygenic needs. i even missed the entire 8th season of american idol for that.

and, i promise to obey all the wardrobe rules of oprah's audience code of conduct.