elevator conversation.

aubry enters at floor 0.

salt and pepper-y chain smoker holding a single slice of german chocolate cake enters at 1.

man: it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

aubry: sure is.

man: you have a great haircut.

aubry: thank you.

man: do you watch ncis?

aubry: no, i don't.

man: there's a woman on that show called pauley perrette. turn it on sometime. she's a real cutie. and so are you.

aubry: thank you.

i got off on my floor, and immediately googled pauley perrette.

and now i'm irritated.

and a little self conscious.

someone tell me it's not true.

SOMEONE TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE!

a post in which i highlight my female ignorance.

this text conversation:

g:  did you call me?

a:  yeah, as i was driving home. my car was acting up.

g: what's wrong?

a: when i brake, the car shakes a little and my rpm-ometer needle bounces between 0 and 1 for like the first five seconds when i come to a stop. 

how else was i supposed to explain it?

my favorite conversation of the week:

cast of characters:

aubry + fellow co-worker.  one i've never talked to before in all of the years of my career. i think he's a geologist? some sort of profession that has stripped him of any excitement or tone in his voice. and social graces.

setting:

november 16, 7 a.m. - the morning of my 30th birthday.

in the elevator.

going five floors up.

conversation:

co-worker: i really like the smell of your perfume.

aubry: thank you.

co-worker: i don't want you to think i'm hitting on you or anything, but i think you should know i really like the smell of your perfume.

aubry: well, thank you.

co-worker: what's it called?

aubry: you know, i'm not sure. i have a few of them. i don't remember which one i used today.

co-worker: well, i really like it.

aubry: thank you...?

gosh, i work with some awkward people.

in pursuit of finding a husband {and the people who aid my cause}

 where would i be without all the good people in my life?

 probably that much further away from finding a husband.

case in point no. 1:

self-editing the fortune cookie while out to lunch with my ever-caring dad co-workers

incidentally, i'm also supposed to host a party.

i'll be sorely disappointed if my husband does not show at my birthday party.

case in point no. 2:

email conversation with corrina the canadian.

c: want to go to india?

a: india? with you? can scott bennion come?

c: so-and-so* is there.  calcutta.  8 months of the year,  he started a business to aid poor people.  go help him and marry him.  bring scott.

*he's a canadian rocket scientist i met in 2003 when we road tripped to san diego together, with corrina. we picked him up at gateway and drove south. by scipio, he had crawled up to the front to sit on the center console. we spent a day in vegas, saw the hang gliders over la jolla shores, and went to a padres game. half way through our san diego trip, he flew to italy - to live, permanently. and i never saw him again.

this is not an outfit post, ver. 3.0.

 

setting:

project kick-off meeting, 30 attendees

....................

project manager: let's all introduce ourselves and what our role will be on this project.

aubry: my name is aubry bennion.  i'll be leading the stakeholder involvement efforts.

project manager: and aubry is the only one who got the memo to dress up for halloween today. 

crowd of 30: laaaaauuuughter.

stakeholder involvement support girl sitting to my left: does everyone always give you this hard of a time about your wardrobe?

aubry: every single day.

stakeholder involvement support girl sitting to my left: because i think you're one of the most stylish people i've ever met.

thankyouverymuch.

i've never had much regard for modern medicine....

i got a flu shot for the very first time yesterday.

the day went like this:

meeting

flu shot clinic at the office

10 minutes for lunch

another meeting

another meeting

i was in a rush.

so when i overheard the nurse tell another flu-short-virgin in the line ahead of me they'd need to stick around for 15 minutes to make sure they don't react poorly to the shot, i lied about the first question.

i'm super human, didn't they know?

so i continue...  no, no, no, check marks all the way down the line. 

until the last one.... where every other human being would answer no, as ignorant as ever because they've never even heard such a thing as guillian-barre syndrome.

i bet their mom didn't mysteriously self-paralyze overnight 15 years ago

... be turned away by doctors one by one because they didn't know what it was

... or get rushed into the icu by a random neurologist in the urgent care

... lose function of all her organs

... or learn to walk, talk, and write all over again

 but i'm in such a rush, remember?

so i mark no.

{bring on the spankings and lecture.  i knowwwwwww.}

and then i send my mom a text message: 

"i got a flu shot. it asked about a history of guillian barre in my family. i was in a rush so i lied. if i die, blair archibald is the agent who holds my life insurance policies."

my mom - the most important person in the world - is quite possibly the only other person who subscribes to the hierarchy of  "but i had to go to a meeting" logic.

she replied with "okay. if you get gbs, i'll take care of you. let me know."

so far, so good, guys. no paralysis here.

today's facebook status.

"there's no one more taken care of by more surrogate parents than this single girl.  i am the luckiest."

when today's standard dinner plans fell through... or so i thought... i wasn't really sure...

i started in on a sunday dinner of my own.

i'm not necessarily opposed to cooking a sunday dinner spread for one - it's just... so much more hassle than it's worth. but i started to pull all the ingredients out for something, a masterpiece, i'm sure, when an incoming message came buzzing in from bff holly. 

holly, long time friend from my life in san diego.

the friend who, until just a year or so ago, lived across the street.  a strategic move we made in 2005 to fulfill our childhood pact to "grow up and live next door to each other". 

pin.

her message was about nothing related to sunday.  or the dinner i was about to prepare for myself.  but in an act of complete telepathy, she figured out i was flying solo and sent this message in reply:

"come up to my mom's house!!! dinner is ready right now!"

and in five minutes, i was sitting at a giant dinner table, with 34532 other people, eating pot roast + all the fixings... and too many slices of homemade bread. a far better alternative to the production i was about to create in the kitchen. 

and just like that, i was taken care of.

i'm sure my parents felt an extra dose of the-kids-are-alright today because, not only was i fed good food, but i was all around swooped up and taken in by my ultimate "other family"... for the one thousandth time.

the stars aligned and we had a perfect time. eating. crafting. talking. laughing. baking. more laughing. more eating. more talking. and lots more laughing.

i have to think i'm being taken care of in more ways than one, by more than one loving parent.

ifyaknowwhatimean.

p.s. i didn't just pounce on the house without being a gracious guest.  i came bearing cookie dough.... ready to be baked.  not just any cookie dough, however. freshly chilled cookie dough from a recipe i found on pinterest called "The Only Chocolate Chip Cookie I Will Ever Need To Know How To Make For The Rest Of My Life." i testify to you - that is a true statement. amen.

a coupla conversations:

reciting conversations from my ridiculous life to my blog readers - it's one of my favorite things.

here's two:

1.  text convo from my childhood best friend's mom:

n: just checking to see how you're doing...

a:  oh, i'm fine. did you happen to read my woe-is-me blog post or something?

n: nope.  not yet.  but i thought you seemed a little fragile when i saw you on sunday.

a: that was probably exhaustion, but i had a mini melt down yesterday about turning 30.

n:  oh, aubry!! i'm sorry about the turning 30 thing. i wish i could turn back the clock for you.  and me too.

my fragility is escaping the facade i'm usually so good at keeping wrapped up tight. 

crap.

2.  gchat convo with pregnant bestie jen:

j: i'm telling my boss that i'm leaving at thanksgiving and not coming back today, so there's that.

a: whoa.  that's major. is he going to cry?

j: no, i don't think it will be that big of a deal.

a: see, so today you get to count down the number of days until you don't get to work anymore.  i use that example plently of times in my life.  "if i could count the days until i quit working... i would".  soooooo... you're making my wildest dreams come true. 

j: awesome.  we can make a paper chain.

yep. awesome. feels like salt in the wound... but the kind where i hold all parties guiltless.

if i had an iphone:

it all started with this incoming message from robin:

r:  where does one get a cool iphone cover?  you always know this stuff.

a:  ohmygosh i know this stuff!  i've been saving links to awesome blogs of covers.... even though i don't have an iphone.

{seriously. i'm so wonk. why have i invested time in iphone covers?}

r:  help a girl out!

a: email coming at you.

r:  thanks, you're the best.

a: .... until josh tells you $50 is too much for a phone cover.

so for those of you who {a} do, in fact, have an iphone and {b} are not limited by your husbands severely disciplined - and debilitating - frugality.... here are some great phone covers.  great enough, in fact, to make me think twice about my loyalty to the android.

phone covers and instagr.am.  instag.ram kills me.

incase eley kishimoto slider

jonathan adler. kill me now.

case mate quartet.

case mate tough.

indie cases in walnut.

indie cases lone moustache.

and the rest of these came from the brilliant society six print shop from urban outfitter.

if i could have 325 iphones, i would. with different covers on every single one of them.

but if i had to choose one, it would be the sugar skull cover.  maybe it's my inner outer mexican, but i have a thing for the sugar skull motif.

the sweetest thing.

i thought having sterling back was the all time pinnacle of family happiness...

but then chelsea surprised the family by driving all through the night from oregon - with kai in tow.

kaaaaaaiiiiii!

the love of my life!

this sweet boy turns three in october and still makes us swoon by crawling inside a popcorn bowl and scooting himself around the house.

and bonus! since i saw him last, he's learned to pucker up and kiss liberally.

it all started with this text convo with aunt sandy in the middle of the day:

s: make sure you come tonight because we have a surprise for you!!!

a: what?! for me? a man in a handlebar mustache? i'll be there... after i track down our diet cokes.

s: ooooooh maaaaaan.... who told you?? no really, though, it does involve a man........

a:  uhhhh..... like are you surprising me WITH a man?  a girl needs to know these thing.  but only if he's living and breathing.  if he's the blow up kind, i won't bother putting on any lipstick.

s:  you will definitely want lipstick.... there WILL be kissing involved!

a: icarumba.  it better be kai.  he's the only one worth kissing.....

in my head, the idea of kai actually making the 800 miles trek in my direction was too good to be true.

but i guess not... not when your bravest uncle comes home from afghanistan!

thank you ster, again.  and again.  and again.  the benefits keep pouring out...

this is how our goodbye kiss really went down:

  

  

  

  

i'm risking my six month plan by telling this story to the interweb.

the bishop thinks i'll be married in six months, right?  and maybe i can pull it off...  depending on how choosey i am.

pin.

please avoid focusing on cruelness of this story... focus just on the facts.  and pretend you're hearing this from your bestie over lunch... because this is how real girl talk goes down.

... and honestly. someone tell me HOW to say any of this without sounding like an awful human being. 

last week, my partner-in-ward-service-committee-crime told me that when she was sending out reminder text messages to the people who signed up to help at our most recent activity, she got a string of text messages back from "the ward creep"

c'mon, people.  we all know what/who she's talking about.  there's a creep in every singles ward.

i laughed and considered myself lucky to have not been given the texting task in the division of party planning responsibilities. ... until a mysterious number appeared on my phone on monday night. and like all unrecognizable numbers, i let it go to voicemail.

ENTER TWO AND A HALF MINUTE LONG VOICEMAIL FROM WARD CREEP.

he asked if {1} i was really in the ward he was in. {2} if i'd be interested in getting together with "a group of people" who get together outside of the standard activities. {3} i knew, at all, what he was talking about.

he has no idea who i am.  if anything, i am a thumbnail photo on his computer screen of the ward website that he has fully dissected.

i didn't call him back.  since i communicate with strangers for a living, personal phone calls are a luxury in my life that i choose to dole out at my discretion.

and then he called again on tuesday.

and on wednesday.

and TWICE on thursday.

once from the number i programmed in as "creep" in my phone so as to remember NOT to answer it.

and again at 10 o'clock at night from his parents land line.

{thank you whitepages.com reverse phone look up app}

STOP CALLING ME.

{are you the one posting portuguese love letters on my blog?}

no, i do not want to go to supplement my ward activity schedule with more ward activities.  i don't even want to go to the standard ward activities.

so what's a girl to do?

text her bestie:

a:  miss?

j: here.

a:  the ward creep has called me every night this week.  tonight he called twice.  from two numbers.  reverse phone look up... i checked. he lives at home.  help.

j:  miss, you need to text him or tell him you are not interested.  creepster.  are you safe?

a: i'm fiiiiine. but i'm not talking to him.  will you ask your husband to do it for me?

j:  haha. text him or if he calls when i see you on saturday, i will answer.

a:  co-worker ben said he'd answer if he calls while i'm at work.  seriously, though.... stop calling me.

j:  so so weird... seriously.

a:  it's my fate.  i might as well accept it and claim him as my six month prize.  i'd beat the deadline...

j:  sick.  i'm sorry miss.

a:  right?  awful. i'm changing my number.  and maybe wards, too.  and this is great blogging material, but i bet he's a computer nerd and he's already stalking my blog.

j: omg, he loves you! he will not take you to applebees.... he knows.

a: dang it!  he'll take me to bruges waffles and buy me nail polish.

j:  he would... and he will study up on his pop culture and ask you about your bestie.

a:  seriously.  i'm dying...... OF LAUGHTER IN MY BED.

j:  he has studied the aubry wiki

a:  someone is playing a horrible joke on me.

j:  it's god... choose stable or choose crazy.... but crazy knows about pinterest and your anthro wedding dress.

a:  right.  he's already saving $1030 for my no-nonsense bhldn wedding

J:  yup.  and he got rid of his pets for you too.

a: ohmygosh, i've given him so much material to work with.  i've created my future mr. perfect.... but i don't want hiiiiiiim..............

answering my phone when he calls would be too obvious... and solve my problem with way too much ease.  life cannot be that simple.

instead, i will keep dodging the ward creep on sunday {in addition to the guy across the street who looks at me through my window} and hope he gets the message, loud and clear, when he reads this blog post.

a few randoms.

1.  get your booty on the floor tonight:

i take control of the radio when we run to the gas station for diet cokes.  and when a really good song comes on the y2k pop station {and by good, i mean music from my high school years like boyz ii men or k-ci and jo jo... nothing my dad engineer friends would ever approve of} i'll turn the radio up real loud and roll the windows down.... giving everyone around us a "i saw the strangest thing today" moment.  i mean, imagine if you were driving next to a very conservative, plaid shirt wearing 40 year old who was listening to "all my life.... i prayed for someone like you..." really really loud? 

today's poison was technotronic's pump up the jam:

pump up the jam

pump it up

...

get your booty on the floor tonight

and then my 40 year old conservative engineer friend told me we needed to change the channel because that song brought back some really embarassing memories. 

... and the entire car filled itself with awkwardness.

2.  goooooo wildcats!

a conversation:

jen: miss?

aubry: here.

jen:  are you in your blue and red?

aubry: uh, what? how did you know? where are you? are you spying on me?

jen: good girl.

aubry: oh, right.  for az.  wow, that's lucky.

i happpppened to be wearing a perfect combo of red white and blue today..... but not for the wildcats.  i've got duke going to the final four.

3.  are you ready to give me six weeks?

last week was the company health fair.  it was also the day i realized i forgot my computer at home and had to trek back north if i wanted to get any work done.  

completely irritated at the inconvenience of a mid-day hour drive, i stopped by the health fair to pass along a few messages and update beth on my schedule.  beth was at bootcamp jess's booth.  before i fully approached his table, i heard the meanest, roughest, gruffest drill sargeant voice.

 jess:  are you ready to give me six weeks?

aubry: uh, what?

jess: i'll get you in the best shape of your life and i'll get you off of that stuff {pointing to my ice cold, 32 oz diet coke from the fountain} *babble about tablespoons of sugar and the consquences of sipping myself into a slow and painful death*

aubry:  look, it's diet.

jess:  it's all the same.  the saccharin..... *more babble*

and then, with all the genetically-endowed body language i could gather, i turned my body away from him

aubry:  aaaaaaaanyway.  beth, i need to run home. but while i'm gone, will you make a change to the meeting summary and send it to laura so she can complete the categorical exclusion and forward it to the client? 

and i walked away before he could bend me over his knee and spank me 32 times.

he's coming back today for more recruits.  if i didn't think the bones in my hand would shatter upon impact, i'd like to give him a punch in the gut for treating me like an idiot during his sales pitch.

4.  facebook fight:

last night i got into a facebook fight with my bestie over american idol.  it was hidden in a wall post, but i'm sure the masses would have love to see our friendship crumble over something so petty. namely, james durbin.

my argument:  he loves himself, he's flashy, showy, and really screetchy, reminds me of adam lambert, and wears a tail.

her argument: he's a throwback, vintage, classic rocker.  and as a lover of the 80s rock scene, his song selection deserves respect.

but he wears a tail.

we'll have to agree to disagree. we entered this friendship knowing our musical taste could not be more different *ilikepaulmcdonaldandhisreallywhiteteeth*

at least we're not arguing about naima's dance moves. 

reality tv husband.

a handful of bubble gum thoughts on television:

1. yesterday greg suggested i shift the focus of The Project from a strict spending freeze to a fast from television. i told him "helllllll no."

2. bestie jen told me someone said to her "aubry watches a lot of tv, doesn't she?"

2a. you're a fool if you think bestie jen isn't going to tell me something someone said about me.

2b. you're right. i love tv. especially really trashy reality tv and voyeuristic documentaries about really messed up people.

3. maybe because of the proximity to the bachelor, the phrase "reality tv husband" might bring to mind thoughts of bachelor brad, but i'm not talking about anyone that contrived or predictable.

4. do you watch bethenny ever after? {formerly known as bethenny getting married or the real housewives of new york city} i do and i love it.

5. in the world i share with other reality tv-loving friends, we've devoted a decent amount of time around the dinner table to a discussions about which real housewife we're most like. totally normal, right? general consensus says bethenney is "my" housewife. head strong, business woman, knows her way around the kitchen, practical, works so freaking hard to get what she wants, single - during the housewive seasons, anyway - loud, tells it like it is, well adjusted, not too emotional until she reaches her breaking point, yada yada.

pretty much, we're the same with the exception of the skinnygirl margarita business and the 7 months pregnant on her wedding day thang.

well.

robin sent me a text message the other day while watching bethenny ever after that said, "bethenny and jason are the best. you need to find a husband like jason hoppy."

i couldn't agree more.

the stable, manhattan business man who allows bethenny to keep her miss independent spirit and gently coaxes her to embrace "normal" family traditions.

where's my jason hoppy?

i'd take him or rachel zoe's rodger.

in short.... i need a bravo tv husband. the rich and successful kind who tolerates the lifestyle of a bravo tv woman.

i've got the fever.

happy birthday, biebs!

photo.
i'm not afraid to admit i've got a thing for justin bieber. i mean..... anyone want to see never say never with me?
in honor of his birthday, i'm going to let you in on yesterday's justin bieber conversation i had with greg yesterday after jen called me while i was at my office.  because justin bieber comes up in conversation.

aubry: umm, i may have just let out a davis family secret to the entire 3rd floor.......
greg: what?
aubry: i'm here at my desk and jen just called. justin bieber came up. naturally.
greg: so what's the family secret?
aubry: .... and ben and lizel MAY have heard me tell jen that "baby baby baby" are commonly sung lyrics in the davis household. by all parties.
greg: so you mislead the 3rd floor...
aubry: i've heard every single one of you sing AND whistle justin bieber lyrics.
greg: you're a politician.
aubry: not so.
greg: that doesn't mean we are fans because your ringtone got so entrenched in my head that it just happens.... we know one line.... and how the 3rd floor thinks we've got bieber fever. no so. just ally.
aubry: i mean... YOU were the one watching justin bieber videos on youtube when i walked in your front door yesterday.....
greg: it was not a bieber video. it was some little girl on a talk show. you are being such a politician right now.
aubry: i did not say a justin bieber music video. i just said justin bieber videos.
greg: it was not a bieber video....
aubry: okay.
greg: are you ready to go? i am.
aubry: yeah. stop by downstairs on your way out. ..... unless you don't want to show your face around here. i could understand that.....
greg: ugh. you have exposed me in an unflattering and erroneous light. i am the department manager! my employees cannot go on believing i really have bieber fever!

i never tell a lie, my friends. even 40 year old working professionals cannot withstand bieber fever.

embrace it!

chili's: home of the father/son intervention.

brooke called in search of dinner tonight... and even though i already ate {a home cooked meal of cauliflower cheddar soup, thankyouverymuch}, i went for the diet coke killer company.

so there we were. talking, talking, talking.... until a bizarre situation walked in the door and sat in the booth behind brooke.  and that's where our usually lively conversation came to a halt. the minute they sat down, we knew something was up. capital nerd 30-something with gel in his well parted hair and an aeropostale hoodie and an innocent little kid.

i've kind of always thought the people sitting around us got the biggest bang for their buck - getting all the juicy overshare + details of our lives. but tonight, brooke and i sat in silence.... as in, did not speak a word to each other for a full 30 minutes... as we listened in on the STRANGEST conversation between the two.

it was the dad-uses-his-kid-as-a-pawn-to-make-his-ex-wife-the-enemy talk.... using phrases like "moral mistakes" and "she took you away from me" and "i hope you can respect me" and "we need to help your little brother understand the truth"

ALL OF IT OVER A COUNTRY FRIED STEAK.

i think we were secretly being filmed for a "what would you do" show... we were supposed to intervene... but we failed.

 i hope someone caught us on camera... i'm dying to see the looks on our faces as that dad thought he was doing the right thing by manipulating that 10 year-old kid brain and when the kid came back and said, "mom says you always make her the bad guy....."

nephews.

tonight i called my mom while she was trying to put the babies to bed. tough job for the grandma when her primary job is to butter them up with treats and chocolate and then send them on their way. but with a c-sectioned mom in the hospital and a dad away on business, it was grandma's turn to run the show. a disciplinarian, she is not.

so while the "put on your pajamas" talk wasn't working for her.... i told her to put jared on the phone and i'd take care of it. i wanted to believe i had some pull with the 6 year old.

in his sweetest, lispy voice, he told me stories of visiting the hospital after school and "counting the months"... reciting january, february, march, april, may, june, july, august, september, october, november and december.

i asked him if he would give baby mason a kiss for me.... and before i knew it, i negotiated him up to 209 kisses. and then he broke into laughter at the absurdity of kissing 209 times.

and after all the sweet talk, when i asked him if he was ready for bed and if he'd put his pajamas on yet, he said, "i guuuueeeeesssssssss so." and then he asked if i could come over tomorrow.

achy breaky!

and then he passed the phone to seanny boy. five yes/no answers into our conversation, he broke out the big guns and said that mason is still at the doctor's, but when you kiss him and hug him he doesn't cry. but when you don't kiss him and hug him, he cries. so we better kiss him and hug him.

i can't even handle it.

and so........ to ease the pain, i sifted through the archives of baby photos.

jared scott

june 2005

sean ashton, the cabbage patch doll

june 2007

brotherly love

april 2007

brotherly love

february 2011

someone get me to san diego!

the good, the bad, and the ugly.

the good:

sophia catherine bennion. tuesday.

...

mason james bennion. friday.

...

{i could stop right there....}

...

two dates in one week.  who's life am i leading?

...

friends who are good for this kind of text exchange in a moment of crisis: 

b: monochromatic, flats, bright lips. that's what i wore on my fireman blind date..... look how well that worked out for me.......

a:  monochromatic, skinnies, boots, and clear gloss.  how about that?

b:  sounds good. really good! what time is he coming to get you?  are you excited?  nervous? anxious?

a: 6.  i am having belt trauma.

b:  details?

a:  {enter mid-teeth brushing photo above}

b: it looks a bit frumpy.  belt.  skinny, bright.  your pink one. then wear SPEAK LOUDER.

a: too late.  he's here.  pink belt.  no lips. 

...

watching my bestie sing and dance on stage.  jazz hands and character shoes included.  surrounded by all of funny family.

...

channeling my inner indie: a midnight showing of a foreign film {biutiful} in my wayfarers and a messy bun on the top of my head.  i fit in, most definitely and for sure.

...

a new gchat partner: ali.

the bad:

only one day in rexburg with trevor, oksana, and the sophster.  not enough time.

...

living 800 miles away from baby mason.

...

rescheduling 93473256 times with jenna.  there's just so in store..... but ashton is punking us.

...

the self-inflicted pain of a day at nordstrom + j.crew. oh, and let's not forget hip + humble, where i shopped for lara's birthday present.  and coveted every single thing in that store.

kanye west taught me, though, n-n-now that that don't kill me will only make me stronger

...

two dates in one week. but where does that leave me? nowhere, at least for now.

the ugly:

getting pulled over twice... on the same day.  and all that mercy granted to me in idaho came crashing down ONE MILE AWAY FROM MY HOUSE AT 11:30 PM when officer i've-got-something-to-prove ticketed me.